Smart Phone Sex

Remember when phone sex involved 2 people and a phone line?  Now we can download how-to guides and toys.  A quick peek at the Android Market reveals a Korean Kama Sutra, Sex Dice, Sex Life Planner, a French Kama Sutra, Cosmo's Sex Position of the Day and the Pleasure Droid vibrator which has "constant," "custom" and "surprise" as settings.  For your shopping convenience, these apps are located in the Lifestyle section which also has a 12 Steps AA Companion, Sex Offenders Search, the Bible, the Coloring Book Kids Games, Military Cadences and the Food Network's Recipe Guide.  One stop shopping, something for the entire family!

So I had to find out if having a smart phone sex app means smart sex or an embarrassing injury.  Based on how I use Wii Sports, the answer is a one way ticket to the ER. Whenever I try a new game, I repeatedly look at the screen to make sure I'm correctly following the instructions. Trying to use a sex app would probably look like this:  things are getting interesting but I can't remember where my left elbow is supposed to go.  I want to get this right so I call a time out to consult the Korean guide I downloaded on a whim. It is illustrated so I don't have to get my husband's phone to use Google Translate to figure out what to do with that elbow.  But the screen is so small that I have to get my glasses.  They aren't in the bedroom.  Great - they must be in the living room with whichever child is still up.  So I put on my robe for a casual stroll to the front of the house, find the glasses, talk with the child about why I need them when I'm trying to sleep and pet the dog. Then I rush back to the bedroom, trying to look up the instructions before my husband goes to sleep or turns on the Law & Order marathon. After scrolling through ads for astrologers and singles in my area, I find the page.  I prop up the phone on the nightstand, so I can consult the screen for proper elbow alignment, and the glasses come off.  The time out is over, game on!  I look at the phone for a quick reminder of the correct angle for the elbow. I cannot see anything recognizable so I reach for my glasses...

The EMS guys said the scene reminded them of a human Jenga game.  After the cast comes off I'm shopping for an iPad.

This is Immature...

...but 5 hours later I'm still giggling over the unfortunate sports news lead-in: Brett Favre fined $50,000.00 for not cooperating with sexual harassment probe.

Now that I've written it, perhaps I can get on with my day...

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Net Lingo Makes Anything Sound Dirty, Volume 1

Excerpt from a Facebook message exchange with my sister Regina and our cousins Kim & Elaine in response to a picture Kim e-mailed to us from a recent episode of Hawaii 5-0.  Regina wrote:

• "My eyes are BURNING! Really if there is gonna be a pantless shot... you couldn't Google longer and find McG or Chin????? "

 My first thought - what results would you get if you Googled "longer?"  You could see something really interesting.  This was immediately followed by "telling someone she should "Google longer" sounds like bad sex advice."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to check messages & see what new material has made its way to my in box.

The Insight Bowl - Football Game or Group Therapy?

I know last night's Insight Bowl was a contest between the Big 12's Missouri Tigers and the Big 10's Iowa Hawkeyes. I also know the two schools have played each other 12 times in the past, and that going into the game Missouri had a 7-5 advantage.  I know that Insight is an IT services provider, and in 1997 it assumed sponsorship of the game formerly known as the Copper Bowl since its inception in 1989.

But as soon as I saw "Insight Bowl" on the screen,  I could not get Dr. Phil out of my head.  What was going to happen next?  Would huddles turn into big group hugs?  When the ref threw a flag, would he take the time to talk to the offending player?  Ask him if there was a different way to legally make the play and avoid the stigma of a flag?  Give him a second chance to make it right?  What if a player makes a particularly aggressive tackle?  That would be an ideal time to pull him aside and explain violence is never the answer.  Let him talk about his feelings and get to the root of why he feels the need to hit someone so hard.  Then he can make better choices in the future.

What would happen if the two sides tried working together - they could both make lots of touchdowns.  Isn't that why they are playing - to get high scores?  They could spend some time together and get to know each other - approach the game as friends instead of enemies.  And the coaches could help by empathizing with the players - yelling only damages their self-esteem.  Wouldn't you want to play better if you were asked to do so in a calm, respectful manner instead of being screamed at by some middle-aged guy that couldn't run 10 yards if his life depended on it?  And everyone on both teams would be named MVP - no one is left out or devalued as a human being.

I can't wait for the Fiesta Bowl.  Just imagine football shaped pinatas and a marching mariachi band......

Need Direction in Your Life? Read This

I'm going to be a life coach*. I have a lot to offer in realistic terms that most people can relate to - I‘m more Lucy Van Pelt** than Dr. Phil with over a decade of extreme parenting under my belt . I already have a reputation for being good (or at least quick) at telling people what to do. Ask any of my family or co-workers.

I’ve been practicing on Facebook for years. I’m definitely not your typical warm and fuzzy type (ask the aforementioned family or co-workers). But I do believe in setting up my friends for success. Here is a recent exchange between me and a friend:

• Friend: I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not be a naughty girl. I will not... Ah, hell. Who am I kidding?
• Me: Take all of the pressure off of yourself - be the best naughty girl you can be!

Difficult person that you can‘t avoid? Channel my mother and smile a nice, little understanding smile while thinking “some people just can’t help themselves.” It works everywhere with any type of person.

Need a new direction for your life? My favorite saying is “When faced with two evils, always pick the one you haven’t yet tried.” It’s led me down some very interesting paths………..

This coaching gig is going to be fantastic! I’ll start with my blog.*** That can will only lead to a website,  then a national magazine column,  then my own magazine to go along with my books, CD's, DVD's and podcasts. Then I’ll make the big leagues - my own show with my very own clips on The Soup. Don’t worry - I’ll stay true to my roots. Instead of “you get a car, and you get a car….” it will be more like “you get a bus pass, and you get a bus pass. You all get bus passes! And best of all, they’re for the short bus!”
　
*For those who bother with footnotes and/or reading the bio info, yes this is a departure from the disclaimer.  Deal with it.

**Google “Peanuts” if that name isn’t familiar. Although who am I kidding - if you’re reading this, you are old enough to know who she is.

***Follow me here or friend me on Facebook to start receiving my fabulous life skills advice while it’s free!

Neologism: Alive & Well in SC Government (or When did Sarah Palin go to work for unemployment?)

Neologism:  a new word, often consisting of a combination of other words, that is understood only by the speaker

From an official "Request for Information" that crossed my desk this week

Claimant's Reason for Separation:  STILL IN ABORTRITION HEARING

Say what?  Was he arbitrating an abortion or aborting an arbitration?  Or maybe in anticipation of an Arbor Day celebration he was gathering ammunition.  The possibilities are endless, as is the endless parade of documents through my office.  Stay tuned..............

Happy Birthday, Mom (Read with Kleenex in hand)

Dear Mom,
Without a doubt this has been the worst year ever for you, and I want you to know how proud of you I am.  You have shown us how to handle loss with dignity and courage.  We all miss Dad but it makes me happy to see how you're honoring his wishes by continuing to live your life with joy and laughter. When Dad was sick, I was always amazed that he would ask people to pray for peace for his family and nothing else.  But you know what?  He was onto something and I can see the results of those prayers in you. I think it's great that you accept the tears when they do come, have your pity party and then move on.  That is such a valuable lesson for all of us. 

And speaking of lessons, I want to thank you for teaching me that "some people just can't help themselves."  That is a uniquely Southern, multi-use phrase that ranks right up there with "bless your heart."  Even if I don't say it out loud, it's never completely out of mind and allows me to deal with all kinds of people without losing my cool. 

I know I give you a hard time about raising us in a (somewhat) normal environment with stable circumstances and lots of love.  It's totally your fault that my upbringing left me ill-prepared to handle the extraordinary needs that came with my adopted special blessings.  But it's also your strength and unfailing optimism that have kept me going.  You always say that you don't know how I do it. Guess what?  I learned from you. (And after having my own kids, I learned exactly what you meant when you called us your special blessings!)

You have also taught me the value of making the best of a situation, the necessity of happy hour, how to have real fun on a budget, and how to remain young at heart.  That last part makes you indirectly responsible for my improv career - thank you!

I appreciate you putting up with me giving you a new, adventurous persona on Facebook.  I don't know of anyone else whose mom would put up with her daughter posting pictures from Wet Willie's followed by zip-lining pictures.  I wish you had your Facebook account when we gave you the stripper pole for your 70th birthday.  Just think of the fun we could have had with that!  My friends keep telling me that I'm corrupting you but I always answer that I learned from the best.  I'm really looking forward to Saturday's birthday dinner & pub crawl.  Some of my friends are already planning to follow us on Facebook - you have fans!  They're also standing by with bail.  And I like your idea for the rock climbing picture - we'll make that happen soon.

I hope this has been a good day for you.  I love you and I'm so grateful to have you in my life as my mother and as my partner in crime.

Lynne

Note to a certain bald-headed, thong wearing, motorcycle riding dude:  who's the favorite now?