Smart Phone Sex

Remember when phone sex involved 2 people and a phone line?  Now we can download how-to guides and toys.  A quick peek at the Android Market reveals a Korean Kama Sutra, Sex Dice, Sex Life Planner, a French Kama Sutra, Cosmo's Sex Position of the Day and the Pleasure Droid vibrator which has "constant," "custom" and "surprise" as settings.  For your shopping convenience, these apps are located in the Lifestyle section which also has a 12 Steps AA Companion, Sex Offenders Search, the Bible, the Coloring Book Kids Games, Military Cadences and the Food Network's Recipe Guide.  One stop shopping, something for the entire family!

So I had to find out if having a smart phone sex app means smart sex or an embarrassing injury.  Based on how I use Wii Sports, the answer is a one way ticket to the ER. Whenever I try a new game, I repeatedly look at the screen to make sure I'm correctly following the instructions. Trying to use a sex app would probably look like this:  things are getting interesting but I can't remember where my left elbow is supposed to go.  I want to get this right so I call a time out to consult the Korean guide I downloaded on a whim. It is illustrated so I don't have to get my husband's phone to use Google Translate to figure out what to do with that elbow.  But the screen is so small that I have to get my glasses.  They aren't in the bedroom.  Great - they must be in the living room with whichever child is still up.  So I put on my robe for a casual stroll to the front of the house, find the glasses, talk with the child about why I need them when I'm trying to sleep and pet the dog. Then I rush back to the bedroom, trying to look up the instructions before my husband goes to sleep or turns on the Law & Order marathon. After scrolling through ads for astrologers and singles in my area, I find the page.  I prop up the phone on the nightstand, so I can consult the screen for proper elbow alignment, and the glasses come off.  The time out is over, game on!  I look at the phone for a quick reminder of the correct angle for the elbow. I cannot see anything recognizable so I reach for my glasses...

The EMS guys said the scene reminded them of a human Jenga game.  After the cast comes off I'm shopping for an iPad.